Have you ever felt lonely? I think that the answer is positive, most of us have experienced this kind of feeling. Loneliness is an emotion that hard to avoid it in our personal life. This emotion may come from being alone, being alienated, or feeling disappoints by a close relationship. So, today, I want to share my own story.
Essentially, tracing back to my life experience, I am usually a loner, a person who likes to do things on their own without other people. For example, I like to stay at a tranquil place by myself, instead of joining the social activities. I barely talk to a new person proactively and just stay in my comfort zone of making friends. However, I found that in these months, something changed. I started to feel uncomfortable when I was alone. However, I didn’t find that in the beginning. When I went back to my rental room, the light was dark and didn’t have any people, I felt a little upset, but I didn’t think too much about it and just kept playing music or podcast until I fall asleep to allow me to feel that I am not alone. On weekends I didn’t want to stay at home and desired to go outside and have more connection with others. Moreover, I arranged a tight schedule to avoid I had time to be alone. When I felt unhappy or lonely, I just want to avoid them and attempt to use a positive mindset to cover my dark inner situation rapidly. Or even, I shut down my emotion so that I won’t feel any negative thinking. In my diary, I wrote hundreds of times: be happy, be positive, be independent. I strongly hope that I can be independent.
I think that I still look the same in school, I can still smile in front of others, I still look like a normal person and have an abundant life, yes, I did have an abundant life, I was really happy at some moment, but why am I still overwhelmed by loneliness at night frequently? In the end, I finally know the reason. I didn’t want to accept that I can’t always be independent and I am not always in a perfect situation. Sounds crazy right? Like I mentioned in the beginning, I think I am a loner, and why I can’t be alone recently? I found that there is a spectrum between staying alone and having a connection with people. When one side becomes more, it will lose balance. I try hard to resist my negative emotion, and then? It didn’t go away and accumulate more problems. This society often transmits the concept of positive and people put refined happiness on Instagram so we will assume that everyone has a wonderful life. However, feeling long-term loneliness gave me an opportunity to review my lifestyle and changed it. I tell myself it’s fine. I had to allow myself to have a different emotion, no matter it is positive or negative. Not to resist it subconsciously but to stay with it.
“Loneliness does not come from having no people around you, but from being unable to communicate the things that seem important to you.”
In the beginning, I didn’t admit my bad emotion so no to mention sharing feelings with others. After talking about my deep emotion with my beloved one, I finally feel better and find the power to keep exploring.
All in all, I want to say “ You can always be weak and be weak for a few minutes you’ll be stronger later.”
